Domestic violence and children

How is the abuse affecting my children?

If you have children, you have probably tried to shield them from the domestic violence as much as you possibly can. Perhaps you are hoping they do not know it is happening. However, in the majority of families where there are children, and where abuse is being perpetrated, the children will be aware of this, and will often hear it or see it going on.

Children witnessing the abuse

Children can witness domestic violence in a variety of ways. For example, they may be in the same room and may get caught in the middle of an incident, perhaps in an effort to make the violence stop; they may be in another room but be able to hear the abuse or see their mother's physical injuries following an incident of violence; or they may be forced to take part in verbally abusing the victim. Children are completely dependent on the adults around them, and if they do not feel safe in their own homes, this can have many negative physical and emotional effects.

Direct abuse of Children

Children in domestic violence situations can, in some cases, also be abused directly by the person who is abusing you. If you suspect that this is happening, or that it has happened, it is important that you raise this issue with your children and take steps to protect them, for example, by seeking support from Women's Aid1 or another local domestic violence organisation, or from social services or other agencies that are there to assist and protect children.

If your child, or a child you know, tells you that he/she has been abused, your immediate response is very important:

  • Listen carefully and let your child tell you what happened in his/her own time.
  • Reassure your child that he/she is not to blame for what happened (or is happening).
  • Let your child know he/she is very brave to tell you about it.
  • Show your child that you are concerned for him/her.
  • Try to stay calm and not let your child see how shocked you are.
  • If your child is at risk of further abuse (for example, if you are still living with the perpetrator, or if your children have regular contact with him) then you will need to take steps to protect him/her from further harm.

What can I do?

You may feel that you will be blamed for failing as a parent, or for asking for help, and you may worry that your children will be taken away from you if you report the violence. But you are never to blame for someone else's abuse. You and your children need support. Call the Women's Aid National Helpline on 1800 341 900 to help you decide what you should do next.

Parental abduction

Parental abduction is an increasing phenomenon of intercultural and mixed religion relationships. If you are worried that your children may be, or have been, abducted by their other parent this information booklet prepared by the Irish Centre for Parentally Abducted Children, may be useful. The ICPAC booklet provides basic information and advice for the Irish legal context. Download a copy here.

Are you worried about your parents?

If you are someone under the age of 18 and are worried about your family please read on.

I am in immediate danger.

If abuse is at happening at home, you probably want it to stop but you might not be sure what you can do. The first thing is to tell someone what is going on.

Who can I tell?

  • You might be able to talk to the person who is being hurt. If not, you could try talking to a teacher, a neighbour, a friend or a friend's parent.
  • You can also call Childline on 1800 66 66 66 and they will be able to tell you where you can get help near where you live.

Remember, domestic violence is not your fault. You won't get into trouble for telling someone.

If people are fighting, should I stop them?

  • If there's violence in your home, it's important that you stay safe when there's a fight. Sometimes you might feel like you have to stop the fight and protect the parent who's being hurt. This can be very dangerous and puts you at risk of getting hurt yourself.
  • If you are scared when there is a fight, you can always call 999/112 and ask for the Gardaí - they will come to your house at any time of the day.
  • It's helpful if you can tell a friend or grown-up you trust about the abuse at home. This way, if there's an emergency you can phone them and they'll know about what's going on in your home.

Who will help me and my family?

  • In an emergency, for example if there is a fight, you can always call 999/112 and ask for the Gardaí.
  • At any time, the person who's being abused can get help from support services in their local area. They can help you and the person who's being hurt to stay safe. Call the Women's Aid National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900 to find out what services there are near to where you live.
  • If your mum is being abused and it is too dangerous to stay at home, you and your family can go with her to a refuge. A refuge is a safe house where you can go to escape abuse at home. Refuges are normally for women and their children. You will stay in the refuge until things can be sorted for you and your family to go back home safely or find a new home.

How do I find a refuge?

The person who's being abused can ring:

  • Women's Aid National Freephone Helpline 1800 341 900 to get more information and to find a refuge. There may also be a local refuge or support service in your area so you or your mum can get help locally.
  • The addresses of most refuges are kept secret so that the women and children living there can be safe.

Why don't they just leave?

There are many reasons why someone might stay in an abusive relationship. It's possible that:

  • They don't know where else to go.
  • They may still love their partner.
  • They hope their partner will change and the violence will stop.
  • They don't want to take their children away from the other parent.
  • They don't have the money to leave.
  • They don't feel strong enough to leave.

Just like you might feel mixed-up about what's happening, the person being abused might also feel confused about what to do. If you have questions about what's going on, don't be afraid to ask.

Life at home is horrible, would it be better if I just ran away?

If you feel like running away, things must be hard for you right now. Call a helpline like Childline on 1800 66 66 66 and they will help you or try to talk to someone you trust.

 

1 Women's Aid has a policy on child abuse in line with Children First Guidelines.

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